The Unattainable Art of the Appreciated Now

I've mentioned before that I try not to watch people at the Y. Sometimes I notice things that are hard to ignore, like this.

Today, it was a different kind of watching. There were two young guys on the bikes in front of me; I wasn't paying attention to them as I was watching an episode of Miami Social that I hadn't seen yet. Anyway, this girl came up to talk to them and she was very pretty in a 17-year-old type of way. You know...all lean and healthy and innocent and happy...like a Neutrogena commercial. I could tell by their interaction that they were classmates. Maybe they were getting ready to start their senior year. Or maybe they were getting ready to head off to college. For a moment, I was jealous of this girl. I remember that happy, carefree time of my own life; how it felt to have the world open, every opportunity there for the taking. And I also remember being so scared! A life still unwritten (insert Natasha Bedingfield song HERE).

Now I'm 30. I'm happily married. We own a home. We are healthy. But I'm unemployed, which frustrates the hell out of me, even though The Husband tells me it's no biggie. My friends are having kids and buying bigger houses, and the world doesn't seem as open because I'm a real adult now, with real grown-up worries. It's a hard thing to figure out the next phase of life.  My dreams are colored in stress about what's around the corner. It's a ridiculous way to feel since my life is actually pretty fabulous.

But here's the thing...when I was 18 and heading off to college, I was terrified. It was the best time of my life. When I graduated from college at 22 and was living on my own for the first time, I was terrified. It was the best time of my life. When I changed career paths at 26 and signed up for graduate school, I was terrified. It was the best time of my life. Now, I'm 30, married and unemployed, and I'm mostly terrified. If the 30 year old me could talk to the 18 year old me, I would tell her to just enjoy the ride. Oh, and I would tell her that the Gwyneth Paltrow in Sliding Doors haircut that she would think was a good idea sophmore year will end up to be a huge F-ing disaster.

The challenge for me is learning to let go of my stress and just enjoy the now. I'm sure when I'm 40, I will look back on our newly-wedded days, living in our first little house, just the two of us and Our Boy, and think it was the best time of my life. I'll probably smile at The Husband and say, "Remember when I was unemployed that first summer, and so stressed out about life? Wasn't that fun?" We'll call it my mid-year's resolution.