Consider it Constructive Feedback...

Dear Beggar holding the "traveling and out of money" sign,

I don't mean to be a bitch, but I am less likely to give you money if I see you sitting on the corner holding your sign and eating a Big Mac Extra Value Meal while listening to your iPod and texting on your Blackberry. You seem to have means to an end. I will continue my tradition of dropping a couple of bucks into the Salvation Army bucket or donating to Toys for Tots...I hope you don't mind. You don't seem to need my charity desperately. I'm just saying.

Sincerely,

I'm sorry, why am I supposed to care?

So...Levi Johnston is supposed to be bearing all for PlayGirl. Tons of hoop-la. They're up in subscriptions due to this issue. Whatever. I'm so confused.

Am I supposed to be turned on by this irresponsible teenage boy who knocked up a certain irresponsible teenage girl? Other than the fact that her mother ran for VP, and he can successfully produce sperm, what's the interest? Levi's cute, sure. So is my next door neighbor's kid. I don't want to see either naked. Levi's just another stupid teenager who got himself into trouble. So, is my irresponsible cousin who knocked up his irresponsible girlfriend going to be on the following month's cover? Are people going to care then?

Is it just me, or is the "full Johnston" just another step down for us on the old evolutionary ladder?

I think it's time to shut down the baby-factory

Good heavens, Mrs. Duggar. Just because you can have another kid doesn't necessarily mean you should. Your granddaughter will be older than your youngest child. You don't find that a little weird? I do. In fact, I think it's down-right creepy. I'm just saying.

My Vick Schtick

We are those crazy-dog people. The Boy might be the most spoiled, beloved dog on the planet. He's allowed to snuggle in the bed, he's allowed to sit on the couch, he is brushed and bathed, played with and smooched-on to a fare-thee-well. He went to puppy camp every day during tax season so that he would get the attention that our schedules wouldn't provide. He is our 85 lb baby. There is nothing I wouldn't do for that dog.

I don't understand the mindset of some one who would willingly hurt an innocent creature, especially dogs. I can't fathom how some one like Michael Vick, who had all the money in the world, could be so bored and black-hearted that he would finance and take part in a "hobby" as cruel as dog fighting. Personally, I don't think 23 months in jail was enough time for him to become a decent human being. I don't think all of the fines in the world could make a dent in his thick head. Say what you wish about his debt to society being paid, etc. I put him right up there with child molesters, rapists and murderers. If you are capable of harming an animal that depends on you for the basic fundamentals of life, and repays you with nothing but loyalty and affection, you are capable of anything.

There is a chance that he may be joining our city's NFL team. I had a fit when I saw the story on our local news last night. I don't want him to profit off of our city, our NFL team. I don't want him to become a role model for the kids in this city. I was really hoping that NFL teams would look at him as a PR nightmare, and that nobody would hire him. I was hoping that he would have to get a job in something OTHER than playing a game for millions of dollars. Do I think the guy should get a public flogging for his mistakes? No. But I don't think that he should return to the status he once enjoyed and abused.

Yesterday afternoon, I was taking a nap on the couch. My Boy hopped up and tucked himself into a tight little ball in order to be right beside of me. He nuzzled his nose under my chin, and napped like that for 30 minutes. It might have been the best 30 minutes of my day. Why would anyone be cruel to a soul that exudes such innocent affection?

EDIT TO NOTE: He signed elsewhere! Yea! And for those who disagree with me, I'd like to say this: if I went to interview with a CPA firm, and they asked why I left my last job and I said, "Well, I was really into dog-fighting and had no respect for life in general. But I feel bad about it," do you think I'd get hired? And I most certainly wasn't making millions of dollars per year. I'm just saying.

In my old age, I've decided that it's OK to think

• that a single spoonful or real ice cream is better than a bowl-full of the sugar-free or low-fat stuff
• that you miss your single-days dinners of high-fat cheese, crackers and wine
• that no matter how dire your financial status, you will always buy name-brand toilet paper, tampons and ice cream. 
• that you cry and love on The Boy every time an ASPCA commercial comes on the TV
• that The Notebook is the epitome of female-porn, and you enjoy every minute of it

Tired

I love my husband. But sometimes I miss having the entire bed to myself. Like when I'm kept awake all night because I have a snoring husband to my right, and a snoring dog to my left. I'm just saying.

Really, it's just not very nice

Dear Lazy Man in the Harris Teeter parking lot,

I watched you drop your three children and your wife off at the curb before you maneuvered your truck into the "new and expectant mothers" parking spot. I noticed that it took you three attempts to get the truck in the spot. I figure this is due to one of two reasons 1) you aren't a very good driver or 2) your truck is too damn big for the spot. I'm sure there is a good reason why you need a double extended cab and an super wide bed- maybe you work in construction, and that would be totally reasonable. However, I would like to point out that if your truck is so big that it takes up almost two spots, your lazy ass should be parking it in the back of the parking lot. The person who had the misfortune of parking in the spot beside yours will have to climb in the passenger side to get in their car, but why should you care? You already dropped off your 3 kids who are old enough to be in elementary school and your wife at the curb so they wouldn't have to climb out of your side of the car. Great forethought on your part!  

Now, on to the fact that you are apparently lacking a little decency. I'm going to explain something to you. The "new and expectant mother" spots at the grocery store are not legally binding like the handicapped parking spaces. So technically I suppose you have every right to park there. However, these spots are a courtesy for women who might be nine months pregnant and having trouble getting around. Or for the mother (or father) who's struggling with a two year old and a newborn and all of their accoutrements. I watched you jump down from your behemoth vehicle, and it was apparent to me that you had no toddlers or babies or any kiddie paraphernalia with you. Heck, you weren't even carrying reusable grocery bags.  I should clarify that I have no children, nor am I expecting.  I don't have any claim over those spots.  But, I would never think of parking in a marked spot because it doesn't hurt me to walk a little. Believe me, sir, it wouldn't hurt you either. 

Look, I'm sorry I'm coming down on you so hard.  But here's the thing - if we all just dug deep within our selves and thought about the small things, the things that often go unnoticed that would make other people's lives easier, this world would be a much nicer place to be. I'm not saying I'm a perfect Mother Theresa likeness, because I'm certainly not.  I just think that NOT parking in a spot clearly marked "new and expectant mothers" would have been such an easy thing for you to do. By parking in that spot, you were not only making life more difficult for some one else, you were teaching your children that consideration of others is overrated.  I'm just saying.

Sincerely,

It's okay to let it go to voice mail

Dear Lady in front of me at Harris Teeter,

I understand that the phone call you're taking while checking out is of the utmost importance. Whether or not to attend Pilates tomorrow morning is simply a conversation that cannot wait. Really, I don't mind waiting until you finish your phone call.

However, the checkout girl is trying to get your attention so you can pay. And the bag boy wants to know if you want paper or plastic.  And your kid is stacking Snickers bars on the floor. I think he's making a high-rise condo, but I can't be sure. Maybe he has a future in architecture. Maybe he'll be the next Frank Lloyd Wright!  

Anyway, I have a suggestion. It seems to me that you're having difficulty functioning in a normal capacity and carrying on a conversation simultaneously.  Maybe you should tell your friend that you'll call her back. No? Ok, well like I said, I don't mind waiting.  I'm sure the people behind me don't mind either.  Oh, and I just saw your kid eat what I hope was a brown M&M off the floor.  

Sincerely,

Just a thought

I think that people that stalk the front parking spots at the Y maybe aren't getting the point of going to the Y.  I'm just saying.